Resolutions

You know what they say about New Year’s resolutions – they go in one year and out the other. But experts say that nearly 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail because people focus on one big goal without breaking it into smaller steps. “I will never eat chocolate again” is doomed to fail whereas divorcing yourself from that nightly candy bar companion on the commute home may be more doable.

I make resolutions on a daily basis but there is one I hope to keep for the New Year and that is to lower my expectations of advertisers. Like most marketers, I have this knee-jerk reaction to ads wherein I either love them as is — no edits required– or I loathe them and wonder how they ever got past the edit stage at all. But hope springs eternal and so like a kid waiting for Santa, I will wish for advertisers to refrain from the following in 2010:

Random Jingles – why would a local law office or insurance company have a singing jingle to describe their services? Doesn’t that erode any confidence prospective clients might have in the seriousness of your firm? When I hear them, I’m reminded of that hokey country song that spells out the word D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Sexist stereotypes – why do marketers who produce consumer goods clearly targeted to women delude themselves into thinking knocking that very gender will endear themselves to that demographic? Yes, we can laugh at our foibles but not ones we don’t believe we have in the first place.

Comparison ads – anyone who’s ever had a friend go through a bad breakup and had to endure their jibes as they dug through their bag of bitches ad nauseum will know how loathsome it is to sit through these.

Poor actors – sure, sometimes they have an unintended entertainment factor but in the end, they’re just that – laughable – not what you want your spot remembered for. (And is the “world record speed reader” from the Bronx?)

Bad voiceovers – someone in the editing room was clearly hitting the wrong buttons and someone on the account side was clearly hitting the bottle. The result is that I hear no other message than the inattention to detail.

I could go on (you know I could) but I will leave you now with all the best wishes for a Happy and Healthy New Year and a quote from Joey Adams – “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!”

Random Acts

When a “White Christmas” came a little early and brought with it over two feet of snow, my family and I decided to enjoy the calm after the storm before we got to work clearing off the cars, the driveway, the walkways, etc. Most of our neighbors had finished by then so our house was a prime target for entrepreneurs trolling the streets in search of snow removal work. In past years, we might have been solicited by a lone teenager, if that. But yesterday, we had more than a half dozen people ring our doorbell, offering to do that work for hire. It’s been a tough year for many, my family included. Yet we are blessed in that we have a home that requires shoveling when so many do not and although my sons were perfectly capable and we could ill afford the cost, we paid a man and his teenage son to clear the snow.

A family whose young daughter is a classmate of my son’s, lost their home in a fire last week. As PTO Corresponding Secretary, it was up to me to send a request to our nearly 600 member PTO families for donations on their behalf. I honestly didn’t know what kind of response I’d get this close to the winter break with Christmas just days away. Candidly, I’ve been disappointed with the level of volunteerism that I can usually expect. But people surprise you every day, and I’m happy to say that the outpouring of gifts and good will did much for my Christmas spirit.

Fast Company reports that gift giving is up and lists retailers who’ve used cause-related marketing effectively this season. At the grocery check-out line today, I watched a woman lose it when the clerk asked if she’d like to make a donation to a local food bank. Apparently, she’d been asked one time too many. Others were outraged or amused as she stormed off but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. She may be going through lean times of her own and it’s hard to help others when you may also be in need. Still, I never begrudge a small donation at the grocery store since I’m lucky enough to be able to buy food. The $2.00 that in the past might have bought me a grandé tea at Starbucks now goes into Salvation Army coffers. And because my love of reading began at a young age, I always manage to donate a new children’s book to Barnes & Noble each holiday season. This will be a very lean Christmas for my family but not as lean as it will be for others and that’s why I give. Because as the dear Sisters of St. Joseph often reminded me, “only by giving, are we able to receive more than we already have”.

Coup(on) de Coeur

An unexpected benefit of this economic downturn is that holiday shopping is much easier when one simply cannot afford it. In my family, those young enough to believe in Santa (or the parental equivalent) will receive some but not all of what they wish for and those who’ve told me that I should package my baked goods will (spoiler alert) also get their wish. But curious about exactly what I was missing amid an avalanche of coupons arriving daily, I decided to brave the stores.

First up, Kohls. I’d never shopped there but their ads make you think they have unbelievable bargains on great designer clothes. I arrived armed with a boatload of coupons, ready to shop and save. I was disappointed however to see so much dark, depressing, patterned polyester; also modal, nylon, viscose, and other man-made materials on everything within sight including faux patent pleather Vera Wang handbags that looked as if they might melt in the sun. Maybe the shoppers weren’t grumpy from waiting in line to pay but from wearing all those synthetics.

On to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I get so many coupons from them that a shopping obligation is almost inferred. I could spend a happy afternoon among kitchen gadgets but I’ve learned from experience that after using them once, the most contact you’ll have with them is shifting them around in the kitchen drawer to get to what you really need, i.e. the corkscrew. So, averting my eyes from the microwaveable gravy dish and the multi-colored melamine measuring bowls, I went straight to the holiday specials. I’m probably one of the few individuals in America – nay, the world – who does not own a Snuggie. Call me crazy but a blanket that’s the equivalent of a hospital gown leaves me cold. I briefly considered a tartan plaid flannel sheet set for my son’s fraternity bed but then remembered that he once nixed a striped set as too “fem” and also that house brand sheets purchased there before were as soft as pumice stone.

Next up, Target. Now here’s the interesting thing. I receive very few if any, coupons from Target. Yet, I find myself there more often than not. They keep things interesting. On any given week, there will be something I could use, merchandised up front where I don’t have to don a miner’s hat with flashlight to find it. I may not actually need it but the low prices and their prescience when it comes to knowing what I will want is uncanny. I peruse their weekly email circular faithfully like someone in search of the Holy Grail. And here’s the secret, with Target, I don’t need to clip any coupons. Oh, sure, they send me some but even without the extra dollar off, I know that I’m getting a bargain. The store is clean and well-stocked; the help is downright helpful; and I’ve never been dissatisfied with my purchases. The French call love at first sight a coup de coeur. That’s how it is with Tar-zhay and me, no coupons required.

The Twelve Steps of Christmas

“Christmas time is here and we’re full of fear”. No, those aren’t the words to the famous Charlie Brown Christmas song although they could be, judging from advertisements this year. Many retailers are acknowledging the 900 pound Santa in the room – the recession – with ads that commiserate with consumers about these trying times but assure them that if they shop at the right place, all will be well. It seems an apt approach if only a tad depressing. If some of us have to own up to the fact that tumbleweeds may be blowing through the space under our Christmas trees, it helps if we can laugh a little about it. It seems preferable to advertisers who don’t acknowledge the recession at all – like Lexus – whose ads still depict that old chestnut, upper class husbands and wives gifting luxury cars to one another.
Walmart kicked off the season in what I thought were appropriate ads filled with raucous kids careening through their homes towards the Christmas tree while the song, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” played in the background. The retailer also showed kids positively gleeful with their gifts while mom intoned, ‘I love seeing them go nuts’. Target has several ads with fearful kids reluctant to accept their parents’ largesse; resentful husbands accusing their wives of shopping excess; or judgmental neighbors (and their dogs) appalled at those whose home decorations have gone overboard until we see the taglines. Each indicates that no belt tightening was necessary to achieve such joy since all shopped at Target. Hallmark is running a spot that features a young mom thanking her mother with a card (a frugal choice) and the words, “We never could have made it this past year without your help.” In fact, Hallmark has a whole line of “difficult times” cards. That might be a bit much but it does follow the first commandment of tackling an issue – acknowledgment that one exists.
And so, with apologies to al-anon, I give you a twelve step program for Christmas during this recession and beyond:
1. We admit we are powerless over shopping—that our finances have become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves (such as the Fed) could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of someone more frugal than we.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our purchases.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being i.e. our spouse the exact nature of our wrongs i.e. those hidden shopping bags.
6. We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character and the lint from our wallets.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings about bargain hunting.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all, just not with any extravagant gifts.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, i.e. by giving them fruitcake or re-gifting.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it such as putting a stop to our inexplicable need to wear Uggs or Crocs.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with coupons as we understood them, praying only for knowledge of how to find the best ones and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our shopping expeditions.

Hit or Miss?

I’m a retailer’s worst nightmare. I did no shopping on Black Friday or on Cyber Monday.  My list looms but none of the things on it were on sale because it’s modest; there’ll be no sleigh full of stuff this year. Still, I read every breathless email alert, tweet, and fan page post from various retailers, in the, ahem, interest of my craft. Amazon, Kohls, Penney and others kept up the pressure, sending me daily countdowns of the few remaining hours left on their deals. Bath & Body Works, Saks, and Sephora were also relentless. But the campaign that I kept scratching my head over was Target’s. Not the cute ads they posted on Facebook, those were fun. It was the TV ads featuring the demented homemaker hell-bent on an over-the-top Yuletide that left me wondering if someone on the creative staff had a little too much eggnog.

Target is my self-anointed media darling, so it was bewildering to see them stumble. Usually, they depict moms as take-charge types with a soft side. I like that. But the woman in their holiday ads had no appreciative family as the recipient of her zeal. Despite her Junior League look and ubiquitous pearls, she has a distinct lack of taste, with tinsel adorning everything but her side-swept ponytail which, in and of itself is a fashion faux-pas. Some ads feature her polar-opposite sister who looks scattered and either simpers about the holidays or is snide towards her sister’s gung-ho approach.

What was the goal? To instill competitiveness among women determined to do it all and have it all? In this economy, is that on target, so to speak? In nearly every ad, the sister who is wound too tight is overdoing things. In one, she’s in her “war room” in which she plots and planograms purchases. In others, she also prepares for Target’s two day sale either on her elliptical trainer or by pulling shopping carts filled with cinderblocks. My least favorite is one in which she is in bed with all types of alarm clocks strapped to her body like a terrorist. With people scaling back either out of need or want, the choice of an acquisitive shopper/spokesperson is off the mark. The alter ego sister is just a downer, stapling her wreath to her front door out of obligation to tradition or limping listlessly through the store aisles. Whom does Target want women to identify with? By trying to be all things to all people they’ve given me no comfort or joy.

Boobs

Does this ever happen to you? You’re running late, getting dressed as fast as you can, and your breasts want to talk. They choose the most inopportune time to get everything off their chest. No? Oh, that must be because BREASTS DON’T TALK, not unless they’re in a Reebock spot written by what must be a frosh creative team from Kappa Tappa Kegga fraternity. One can only hope they’re never given the Viagra account. Seriously Reebok, talking breasts to sell a women’s shoe?! What were you thinking?

Your ads have shock value, I’ll give you that. In one, we’re treated to an off-screen camera guy’s propensity to keep his lens lovingly fixed on the impossibly small but perfectly perky rear end of a model wearing Reeboks, until she turns around to admonish him. If only her nose was as beautifully sculpted. Meowww.

In another, we’re brought into the darkened boudoir of a babe whose back and bodacious booty are turned towards the camera before she writhes into a reveal of her Reeboks. This happens all the time you know, women wearing their sneakers to bed. Usually when they’re planning a quick get-away.

Let me see if I can follow your logic, Reebok. Sex sells? No, that can’t be it. Unless you’re counting on men to gift these butt-boosting sneakers to their women friends? Oh, I’m sure the ladies will take very kindly to the intimation that their wide loads need work. Aspirational for women? Yes, that must be it. Women will want the firm derrieres that are so fondly filmed to depict the toning aspects of Reeboks. I get that. But talking breasts that are jealous of said derriere? You lost me, and probably most of the other women you’d hoped to reach. Let me explain women. We actually can appreciate a good looking woman but in a begrudging, in-my-own-good-time kind of way and never when we’re told to, it has to be our choice. So flouting breasts – even if they’re supposed to be “ours” – as what we should aspire to will have the adverse effect, we will tune you out, like a man who spouts baseball stats or wears a vest over a t-shirt. Victoria’s Secret uses the aspirational tactic quite well. There’s a difference however, between knowing you may never really look like a supermodel but that you’re the closest your man will ever get to one. Just as a fashion photographer would tell us to “be” the supermodel, we do just that by purchasing panties that resemble dental floss. Any jealousy is strictly limited towards the genetically superior freaks that we politely refer to as supermodels.

A lot of women are skeptical about these so-called “fit” shoes anyway. We know in our hearts that the only thing that will really help in that area is a boot camp gym instructor with no mercy. I was sipping a Starbucks in Soho the other morning as I watched New Yorkers stroll by the store window in their “this-is-my-casual-weekend-look” outfits. Maybe I was in too trendy a neighborhood for it but in nearly one hour only one woman walked by in these new fit sneaks. Actually, saying she “walked” doesn’t do justice to the kind of mincing gait she took that put me in mind of victims of Japanese foot binding. The shoes even had that odd, okobo look to them, which kind of defeats the purpose of a sneaker in the first place, doesn’t it? I don’t know if a woman designed these things but I can’t imagine that there are any women on the creative team that came up with Reeboks’ talking boobs spot, though I could be wrong. Whoever they are, they’re talking boobs.

If Reebok is so worried about how breasts are faring perhaps some cause-related marketing would help ease their minds. A colleague of mine sent me an amazing video today. Created to highlight a new product (pink surgical gloves) but also to raise breast cancer awareness, the entire staff of a medical center in Oregon participated. Watch it to see their evident glee at taking a break from the very worthy work they do to have a bit of fun. It’s posted on YouTube and Medline, the maker of the gloves will make a big donation if it gets a million hits. So view it and forward the link to friends. If breasts could talk, they’d say, “thanks”.

Flattery Will Get You…Where?

Everyone in my family manages to be civil to one another on Thanksgiving. That’s because we don’t invite the drama kings and queens anymore, the ones who use up all the oxygen in the room. Some people enjoy the drama but I just want to lapse into a pecan pie-induced coma and dream of a late night turkey sandwich in peace.

I’m not enjoying the knock-down, drag-out fight between AT&T and Verizon either. AT&T brought suit against Verizon claiming that Verizon’s “There’s A Map for That” ad campaign confuses customers. A judge wasn’t convinced however and denied AT&T’s request to pull the ads. I’m a customer and I was confused but only about why Verizon would choose this route. AT&T’s iPhone ads, with the tagline “There’s An App for That” have become so iconic that it’s become part of the vernacular. I understand why Verizon thinks it’s clever to turn that on its head with the whole “map” thing. I just think it’s beneath advertisers when they resort to knocking each other down instead of building themselves up.

Optimum has been knocking Fios with its parody ads, depicting the Fios guy making the rounds with his product pitch, shadowed by his mother who keeps urging him not to lie. They also run a spot with angry customers lining up to return their Fios systems in favor of cable.

Apple knocks Microsoft’s new operating system, Windows 7 in “Broken Promises”, one of their latest ads in which we travel back in time to hear their spokesperson urging us to trust him. Microsoft turned Mac’s “I’m a PC” line on its head too, but in a way that works. Mac’s famous campaign with Messrs. PC and Mac often starts with Microsoft’s hapless pitchman claiming, “I’m a PC”. To introduce Windows 7, Microsoft uses that very line to illustrate the many people who use the system and their self-delusion that they came up with the idea for it. People generally like the ads and Microsoft’s CEO Steve Ballmer told investors today that it’s selling well, twice that of any prior operating system.

I know that rivals knock each other all the time but the ads from Verizon and Optimum are a bit cringe-worthy, like watching people you know hurl insults at each other, a sport many of us may engage in next week at Thanksgiving dinner. (Just kidding, sis.) Optimum started knocking Verizon and then Verizon started knocking AT&T and sheesh, now I’m just as weary of these ads as I am of politicians’ mud-slinging. Spots that knock just make consumers wary of everyone involved. In this case, imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. It’s like a left-handed compliment – you can sense its mean-spiritedness but you’re also just a little confused.

When You Wish Upon A Star

This morning at 2a.m., when my home alarm screeched, “PATIO DOOR OPEN” and my adrenaline kicked in, I simultaneously reached for the panic button and the heavy flashlight-slash-weapon by my bed. Thankfully, it was just my husband, who’d forgotten the alarm was on when he decided to step outside to view the Leonid meteor showers. Sadly, the skies were too cloudy for him to see any stars but for scaring me half to death, I briefly considered obliging him with some – cartoon-style – by means of a frying pan to the head.

Stars of another kind are on my mind today as Brandchannel speculated about whether fans of celebrities on Twitter will un-follow them once they start shilling products via Ad.ly. Um, no, I don’t think so. Why do tweeple follow celebrities in the first place? To hear what they’re doing, where, and with whom; possibly even to garner an @reply from them. For some, that would elevate an ordinary, merely mortal day into something to, well, tweet about. We want to know “who” celebrities are wearing and we wear celebrities too, in the form of their eponymously named fragrances and clothing lines. Some celebrities are so popular on Twitter that they merit their own Alltop page.

Why shouldn’t celebrities use Twitter to hawk their wares or someone else’s? How will it differ from any other selling venue, i.e. a movie junket or book tour? The Oprah Effect is well-known; her mere mention of a product or book can send sales through the roof. Variety reports that Michael Buble’s appearance on Oprah in October helped launch his new CD into the stratosphere – #1 on Amazon. But not every celebrity has a talk show, although I admit that of late, it seems like they do.

The celebrities I tend to follow are of the non-celluloid variety – authors; chefs; pundits. They tweet about their books, stockpots, and speeches and I’ve yet to un-follow them. In fact, many people on Twitter are pretty much selling something even if it’s just their own random thoughts. During the course of my decidedly non-celebrity day, I receive all manner of pitches via phone, email, blog, work, school, community. But I’m a grown-up; I know how to say “no, thank you”. I don’t unfriend my neighbor because her kid is selling Girl Scout cookies. I admire Ad.ly for their business model. Celebrities are tweeting and often, they mention products, places, or services that they like. For Ad.ly, they can choose the products, like Ashton Kutcher has with Nikon. Celebrity endorsements can make all the difference between a so-so product and a successful one. The reflective glow from a celebrity’s star can make a product shine. In nature, as in Twitter, the key of course will be to strike a balance between too few and too many tweets. A gentle, starry night is always better than a storm.

Festivus

I like to think that I have a good sense of humor. I wouldn’t have survived 12 years of Catholic school at Our Lady of All Sorts of Stuff without one. Not everyone appreciates it though, least of all Sister Fistina, when I asked her if The Feast of the Assumption celebrated the day The Virgin Mary assumed she was pregnant.  The look on her face and my classmates’ admiration was almost worth the beating I got. But not everyone finds it funny. No doubt I’ve offended someone just now. But I do it to make a point: you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

Gap Inc. found that out this week when The American Family Association launched a boycott of the company and its brands, even asking consumers to sign a pledge on their site. Why? It’s almost too comical for me to report. They allege that the retailer’s new advertising campaign – wait for it – “downplays the word ‘Christmas’”. Oh, Lord, what next, a claim that the models cavorting like cheerleaders are not forming a pyramid but a pentagram?

I’m not a big fan of the campaign from Crispin, Porter + Bogusky though. I know they’re trying to infuse Gap clothing with a cool factor but it just leaves me cold. Call me old fashioned, but if you’re selling me clothes, I’d like to get a better look at them. I don’t think you can sell consumers on the idea that if they aspire to Gap clothes, they’ll be as cool as cheerleaders. That’s a lesson you probably learn well in high school — that cheerleaders are cool — I wouldn’t know as mine was an all-girls high sans any sports teams requiring cheerleaders. I love the FOX show, “Glee” (BIG fan) and although the agency says their concept for the ad began before they saw the show, it is reminiscent of the numbers performed by the show’s glee club and cheerleaders. But that’s neither here nor there; the models actually do chant “Go Christmas, Go Hanukkah, Go Kwanzaa, Go Solstice.” Alright, that last is a bit over the top but apparently, the AFA thinks the reference to Christmas is insufficient and the mention of the other occasions, “patronizing”.

This story struck a chord with me because of the issue of political correctness. Should an advertiser use the word “Christmas” and risk offending consumers who don’t celebrate it? Does an advertiser use the more politically correct term “Holiday” which could encompass Hanukkah, et al? In this, I think we take ourselves a little too seriously. During my career, I’ve developed Christmas products that purposely did not say “Christmas” on them. That was alternately, in the hope that they’d have a shelf life beyond December 25 (keep dreaming) or because I’d had heated discussions with global partners who preferred “Happy Christmas” or for whom the term “Season’s Greetings” held no meaning. In the end, the products were manufactured without any messaging which I felt left them soulless. People DO celebrate Christmas, so why not say it? Others DO celebrate Hanukkah, so use that term, too. My family is an interfaith one and as I like to say, we don’t discriminate when it comes to gift-giving holidays. I may joke about it but it’s true, we do celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. Not Chrismukkah or Festivus; we call a spade a spade. But we do have a sense of humor about it, something the good sisters and the AFA probably would NOT find funny at all. Perhaps Voltaire was right when he said, “God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.” AMEN.

You’d Better Watch Out

When we were kids and the first back-to-school ads would appear before the summer was in full swing, my siblings and I would scramble over each other to turn off the TV. Yes, Virginia, this was back in the day, before remote controls. There are some kids who actually like shopping for a new pencil case or a crisp new, notebook (guilty as charged) but to be reminded of school in mid July? Most kids think that’s just wrong. But Christmas ads? Bring ‘em.

Some people consider it crass commercialism to advertise for Christmas too early. This year, advertisements started in early October, even before Halloween. Some advertisers, like Kmart, acknowledged just how early their ads were with references to having “just carved pumpkins”. An AdweekMedia poll found that most people thought it wasn’t appropriate to advertise for Christmas until after Halloween. But since Kmart’s ads tout their lay-away program, it makes sense to get people thinking about their holiday shopping plans early.

In fact, many will advertise earlier this year and have even increased their holiday ad spending. Advertisers realize that shoppers have embraced a new frugality but as retail sales are up slightly, they are vying for their share of consumer spending. Many advertisements will reference this new frugality as Kmart’s “Shop Smart” with lay-away ads do. Macy’s will reprise their “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” campaign which seeks to put a human face on why we shop. Early spots focus on Macy’s legacy as the go-to place for Christmas shoppers, as depicted in the film classic, “Miracle on 34^th Street”. That movie is one of my traditions; I watch each year on Thanksgiving Day. As I baste the turkey, I smile at the opening scene which takes place on, you guessed it, Thanksgiving Day at the Macy’s annual parade, their “official” kick-off to the Christmas season. At least, that was the start date, back in the day. Today, Christmas ads start earlier but why not? As the song goes, we need a little Christmas, right this very minute.